Exploring Love and Relationships in the Digital Age: A Disabled Perspective.
Intro
Exploring love, relationships, and online dating through the lens of disability offers a unique and enriching perspective. This viewpoint unveils the joys and challenges of forming intimate connections in a digital world. It highlights the need for greater understanding, accessibility, and inclusivity, shedding light on the authentic experiences of disabled individuals as they navigate the intricate dance of romance and companionship online. This piece may be my writing in a more raw form than what everyone is used to, but I hope it can help someone. There are also no adequate definitions to describe the terms I use in this post “Burden complex and inspiration porn.”So, if you have any questions, please visit Squirmy and Grubs YouTube channel. I think they provide adequate definitions of these terms.
Disability Can Be Sexy
I was having a very interesting conversation with one of my staff members about being disabled and what that meant in terms of sexuality. Some may say I am one of the least qualified people to be writing about this topic simply because I chose not to lose my virginity until my early 20s and spent seven years in a relationship with the same man. Therefore, I don’t have much experience outside of that relationship. However, it is possible to explore sexual things without experiencing penile penetration or the act of losing one’s virginity. I would also like to mention that it is challenging for me to think of myself as attractive and sexy because I’ve had so many men look at me with that sweet, adorable girl-next-door attitude that it's’ hard to view myself as anything but. However, I’ve come to realize that many individuals --regardless of what their disability is-- may also be considered as not having any sexual desire whatsoever. I assure anyone who reads this that this perspective is not the case. Yes, it may take a few practice tries before finding positions that are comfortable for both parties and still allow you to have satisfying intercourse, but it can be done.
It’s also been brought up to me that some people feel that sex workers should be a viable option for those of us who are disabled. I am not entirely sure how I feel about this concept. Because there are two different ways of looking at it. The first viewpoint is that the term sex workers can be used to describe people who would come into your home and help you and your partner figure out the best positions and pieces of equipment that would help both of you be satisfied in the sexual part of the relationship. I can see where this would be beneficial but yet, in some ways, awkward depending on how open someone is with their sexuality and discussing it. The other viewpoint is that those of us who are disabled should be allowed to have access to prostitutes. I can understand it from the perspective of not wanting to have one-night stands and then having to ask that same person to help you get back in your wheelchair, for example. This is particularly helpful if that person is already familiar with individuals with that particular client’s disability. All of this being said, I think the allowance of prostitutes for disabled people also perpetuates the stereotype that we’re unable and unwilling to find deep and meaningful connections with people regardless of their abilities. And I don’t think that is something that should be perpetuated. So you can see why my opinion is still not valid on the subject.
Online Dating
So, I’ve had some interesting experiences with the online dating world. For some reason, I seem to attract guys who think I will be a very easy lay, and that’s all they want. Or emotionally unavailable men. I have yet to figure out the reasoning behind this. But I find online dating easier than dating in person right away because it gives men time to process the fact that I am disabled. It also gives them time to process their questions/concerns and build the courage to voice them. However, I don’t understand why a man likes to get me to the point where I will emotionally open up to them, and they suddenly disappear. Do you think because I’m disabled, I don’t have the cognitive awareness to realize that you stopped talking to me? Or do you think that I just won’t care? Why is it that I also seem to be viewed as more of a sex toy, in your opinion, than anything? We’re all human. We all deserve to be treated as such and not like playthings you can discard when you’re done.
Love and Relationships From a Disabled Perspective
A concept that I’ve been thinking about a lot (and wasn’t sure how people would feel about my writing about this) is the concept of people with disabilities who need a lot of physical help feeling like they're a burden on their family members, significant others, or friends. The most common place in my life that this affects me is when my family members have to help care for me. They always say, “I’m not trying to make you feel like a burden, but…” which essentially makes me feel like a burden because I know that whatever is going to come out of their mouth next has something to do with my disability. Still, it's usually an aspect that I can’t control, such as their back being tired or sore from helping me with transfers; having heard this statement in various ways from people my entire life, whether a family member or an outside caregiver, has drastically affected my ability to open up to those who might be romantically interested in me. Because I’m afraid that the amount of help I need will eventually become too much for them, and off in the other direction, they will run. This may be why, from the time I was 13 until now, I have only had six relationships. As a result of the help I need, it takes me a while to build enough trust in a significant other to allow them to help me with things such as eating, bathing, dressing, or toileting. However, in a catch-22, they *need* to be able to do all of these things if we spend any alone time together without someone coming back every few hours to see if I need something. As a result of the Burden Complex, I’ve missed some romantic opportunities somewhere along the way.
However, I would like to note that this complex also leads to different feelings about sexual encounters than what your average 34-year-old would have. I don’t do things such as one-night stands because of the level of trust that I need in a person to feel comfortable being that vulnerable with them. I recently had an ex-boyfriend who thought it might be fun to ask me to be his fuck buddy or friend-with-benefits. This just goes to show that in the time since we were teenagers, I have not changed very much in my attitude towards sex. He began asking me sexual questions, which I was more than happy to answer on an informational basis, knowing the fact that he was married. However, it soon became apparent that he wanted more than just information. He begged and pleaded with me to give in, and when I didn’t, he promptly turned into an asshole—implying that he shouldn’t have even tried to be my friend because it was for the best that we were not friends anyway.
It’s encounters like these that make some of us with disabilities apprehensive to open our hearts. It also may lead to the belief that we are better off alone than to risk the hurt we may feel by trying to give our love to another. Although I’ve been cheated on by almost every ex I’ve had, I still desire someone to share my life with. I don’t feel high-maintenance in a relationship, at least not when it comes to my emotional and sexual needs. This may be in part because I don’t feel like I have the right to be simply because my physical needs already feel like they can be high-maintenance at times. Also, there is the concept of able-bodied people being praised (another example of inspiration porn) for being with someone who is disabled. And sometimes, that is another aspect that will turn a person away from dating someone who has a disability. Despite the concepts I’ve discussed, if someone is willing to give me a chance, they will often find a loyal partner —sometimes to a fault. I have more love to give than anyone you’ve ever met because I’ve been judged so much already that I don’t feel like I have the right to judge others for the difficulties they’ve faced.