Are You Willing to Put In the Work?
Intro
Dating is often a challenging landscape for anyone, but it becomes significantly more complex when you are part of the disabled community. The struggle is not just about finding someone who accepts you for who you are but also about facing the biases and reservations that even fellow disabled individuals may hold. I have previously discussed how difficult it is for disabled people to find love, particularly with able-bodied individuals. However, a recent experience has shed light on another equally troubling aspect: the reluctance of some disabled people to invest effort into a relationship with a fellow disabled person. Some resources that I found helpful are the podcast Dating Relationships and Disability and the website for Radiant Abilities.
My Journey in the Dating World
To offer some context, my dating experiences outside the disabled community have been less than ideal. The first time I ventured into a relationship with an able-bodied person, I was 14 years old. The relationship ended disastrously when I discovered he was cheating on me with not one but three different girls simultaneously. My second foray was last year, with a man who had sustained a traumatic brain injury. He often remarked that I was too good for him yet never provided a concrete reason. A minor disagreement led to him ceasing all communication with me within three days, leaving me bewildered and hurt. These experiences made it clear that men, whether disabled or able-bodied, can be equally inconsiderate.
A Deafening Silence
Four years ago, I connected with a man who, like me, was part of the disabled community. After months of talking, our budding relationship fizzled out because I thought I might be entering a relationship with someone else. However, that person also vanished without a trace after six months. A few months later, I reconnected with the first man on Snapchat, and we began texting daily. Given that he is deaf, texting was his primary mode of communication with hearing individuals.
Our conversations flowed effortlessly, and I found myself opening up to him in a way that was unusual for me. Typically, it takes me about six months to feel comfortable with someone. Wanting to bridge the communication gap further, I suggested we start sending video messages so he could learn to read my lips. My cerebral palsy makes some sign language signs difficult for me, and I have a speech impediment that can make my words hard to understand. Despite these challenges, I put in significant effort to make communication easier for him, even brushing up on my sign language skills.
A Sudden End
After a week of exchanging video messages, he abruptly ended things, citing his inability to read my lips as the reason. I couldn't help but feel this was a flimsy excuse. He never once attempted to clarify what I was saying by asking, "Did you say [this]?" or "Did you mean [that]?" It felt like he was unwilling to make any effort to understand me.
Love and Effort
Love is not supposed to be an endless series of obstacles, but anything worthwhile often requires effort. Perhaps my perspective is shaped by my disability and the numerous battles I've had to fight. Yet, it seems to me that if someone gives up after just a week, they were never truly invested in the first place.
Facing Prejudice from Within
Those of us in the disabled community already contend with significant prejudice and discrimination from the outside world. It is disheartening to face similar challenges within our own community. We should be supporting each other, not adding to the obstacles we already face.
Conclusion
Navigating love and relationships is fraught with difficulties for everyone, but the disabled community faces unique challenges. Whether it's from able-bodied individuals or from within our own community, the reluctance to put in the necessary effort can be profoundly disheartening. But for those of us who are willing to fight for it, love is a journey worth taking, despite the obstacles in our path.